Consciously single

Many people choose not to be single.

And if they are single, they are against their will and they aren’t happy about it.

In our society, we are programmed to need to be with someone, especially as women.

I think this needs to change. Why can’t we choose to be single? Why does the default anthem for single people have to be, “I’m single, but I‘m not happy about it”?

You can’t be happy AND be single in this world, we believe.

This is a patriarchal society speaking. Men are the biggest perpetrators to women and yet we are told we can’t live without them.

We are inundated with films where the sole focus is the happy ending with the beautiful bride and perfect wedding. We are shown perfect homes and happy babies. We are still taught that the most important event in our lives is our wedding (and then secondly having babies).

Then, essentially, we are forgotten about.

Old women used to be held high on a pedestal and looked up to as wise, as the ones you go to for advice because they had lived so long and have experienced it all. And then somehow it switched on us. As with witch hunts, women who were smart were seen as threatening to men and pushed down. Now old woman past their childbearing years are seen as un-important and valueless. Un-seen.

To anti-abortion supporters, fetuses are seen as the most important thing (until they are born). So of course, if you can’t have a baby, you have no value this day and age.

Relationships are hard. And they are harder as women who have been taught to please everyone around them. What we need to be happy is making others happy even at our own expense.

Looking back, I was so unhappy in most of my relationships. I felt like I couldn’t be myself - he wouldn’t like me. But I also felt like I had to be in a relationship or I would be seen as less in the world. In each relationship, I felt like I had more approval from family and friends around me and the person I was with. I worried a lot about my partner leaving me or not liking me for these reasons.

Then one day I questioned it. Why do I put his happiness before mine? Why do I have to go over his place all the time and make compromises on what to eat or watch while we’re together? Why do I have to meet his immature friends and giggle at their sexist jokes? Why do I need to keep up personal grooming (shaving, fixing my hair, putting on makeup) and he doesn’t? Why do I have to be in this relationship? I realized, if I didn’t do these things, I got flack for not being the way he wanted. I did them so that he would approve of me, and in turn my friends and family would approve of me.

Eventually, I didn’t care about this outward approval as much as my inner happiness.

So I chose to be single. And I chose to be happy.

It is important to give love and put the needs of someone you love first, but women tend to put themselves last, or give and give and give so that there’s nothing left.

I am a consciously single, so I can unlearn these patriarchal patterns instilled in me. So I learn how to take responsibility for my actions, to empower myself, to draw boundaries. And to think about and choose who I want to spend my time with, so that I can have healthier and happier relationships – platonic or romantic – that work for me.

Many marriages end in divorce. One reason could be that we think our partner is in charge of our happiness. So we give a lot in order to be liked and to not be alone, but we aren’t getting what we need because we never thought about it.

We can think of love as a void to fill within us – that a partner will fill this loneliness in us. But the void can’t be filled by someone else. We don’t need someone else to make us happy. Happiness comes from understanding and accepting yourself. For me, developing the confidence in who I am and loving myself allowed me to be able to not tolerate someone who doesn’t allow me to be me. But it’s a hard lesson to learn and I can still accept a lot of unhealthy relationships into my life because of being socialized and brought up as a woman. 

So it’s time to unlearn these patterns, learn how you want to show up in all your relationships, and start acting on it. 

I am not settling anymore. 

Are you with me?

If you’ve been feeling unfulfilled being single or in a relationship, maybe it’s time to choose to be happily and consciously single.